Eva Millet
Text Illustration by Flavio Morais
That daughter-in-law tend to be evil is not new. But, despite its serious potential to poison the family atmosphere, this relationship has been little studied. Psychologist Terri Apter gives clues to the position of both women and seek greater harmony. He emphasizes that the relationship is about three: the man of the conflict can not be inhibited.
The first time he mother invited to dinner at Ana, steak served her son and her toast. Julia, his mother sends him "from the day I met" and tend to compare your child with his two grandchildren, "his being much better than my kids," says Julia. Mari Carmen, his mother never ceased to remind his humble origins. Mary and the mother does not visit her husband since this began to speak ill of her to the daughters of Mary.
Grievances are also given in the opposite direction. There are wives who use the grandchildren as a weapon, limiting or preventing access to the parents of her husband. Boycott other family plans, they behave like rebellious adolescents against the mother, never thank you anything or try to put the husband against the mother.
The testimony from both sides, are a good example of that in the XXI century, the mother-daughter relationship even navigate through troubled waters. Despite the evolution of society and family, in this relationship, things often seem to have changed too. The tension between these two women seem eternal, but, strangely, there is little literature on the subject.
psychologist Terri Apter
detected this gap when, newly married, started having problems with her husband's mother. "The dynamics between mother and daughter have not been much studied, confirms this psychologist at the University of Cambridge, who spent twenty years specializing in family relationships. "And when I started studying I stood to discover the magnitude of the problem: over 60% of women say that the relationship with her mother causes them stress and unhappiness and affects their marriage," he explains.
The fruit of his research is What Do You Want from Me (what you want from me?), A book published in Britain in which he analyzes the causes of this stormy relationship and provides clues for improvement.
Keys that may be universal, because Apter has verified that this unrest across borders. In Chile, a study indicated also almost 60% of women had problems with his mother or his daughter. In Italy, when at the beginning of the decade just finished the divorce rate increased by 45%, a government commission found that almost a third of cases the cause of the rupture were tensions with the laws (mainly, between two females).
bad press attached to this relationship in very different societies. Usually be directed to the figure of the mother, who is the subject of negative comments that act almost as a cultural conviction. "These are details that predispose women and against the role of the mother," says Apter. He adds that this relationship is not why be doomed to failure: "At least 10% of people contacted me for my study did so to ensure that they got along well with their mothers or their daughters," he reveals.
However, the conflict is usual. "Marriage brings strangers to the family, someone who, from that moment will be the person nearest to the child," says Apter. This new presence in the mother wakes difficult questions, as if his status in the family will be threatened, if the daughter will be able to take good care of your child and your relationship with him change. "
The young woman also has her doubts and find with many surprises. The main one: that his mother can challenge their privacy, influence and status to her husband. "Despite the social changes-has-Apter, many women still feel that their worth is tied to their roles in the family, where the closeness, respect and influence are particularly important."
Therefore, home visits over and over, joint vacations, family gatherings ... the living, in short, means that these values \u200b\u200bare tested and appears competitiveness: the spark that unleashed the storm. A spark that often arises because one of the two feels threatened.
insecurity is for the psychologist British another aspect that impair relationships, "Sometimes, the two women feel insecure and worry that the other is disavow or criticize. Therefore, dealing with arrogant attitudes. " On occasion, which turned the conflict is as simple as that there is room for two divas in the family: "Yes," confirms Apter "Sometimes, mothers and nuegras can claim an aggressive alpha female his position in the family. "
These tensions do that sometimes, the daughters adopt behaviors of adolescents. "It's totally true," agrees Lucia, a translator married with two daughters. I've lived: after emancipated my mother I met another lady, my mother, with whom I had to fight the same battles of affirmation. As if to mark my territory again. It was like a rebellious teenager! "He recalls.
And through it all, is the son. Often unable to make peace because, as discovered by psychologist Terri Apter, when there is conflict, the man often siding with the mother. "I never told my husband as a partner when I discussed with my mother, when his mother he is simply not reasonable," said Lucia. Julia is very clear that if he breaks with his mother, broke with her husband. Is it then the stronger the bond with the mother that partner? "I think both are strong," says British psychologist, "but men are less adept at holding two different relationships, especially if they are as important as that of son and husband."
is difficult to maintain balance. According to Mary, a housewife who has three daughters, that balance is doomed to failure. "For what is ultimately at stake in this triangle is not power, but the affection," he says. "And though their love for the mother and the couple have nothing to do, and confuse both women also want to monopolize it."
Vista
objectively, this relationship between mother and daughter-in should not be so complicated. In the final analysis, the starting point is not bad: the wives have chosen the man who has brought her mother, so it will have done so badly. And he's chosen woman. "Yes, there are reasons why these two women should be friends," says Apter.
But the anxiety seems an insurmountable hurdle, both by the mother, who suffers the loss of the child and what will happen to your most important role of women in the family, for the daughter, who hopes to be the most important woman to her husband and loved and respected, but at the same time, that left alone and make his way.
For Terri Apter, the role of man in conflict is crucial for the understanding between the two women, "it is he who can intercept reaffirms problems if their mothers (and fathers) who are still a very important part of his life, but at the same time, show them that now their primary connection is his wife, "he concludes. The husband should know that inhibited not give good results and that the mother-daughter relationship is also his business.
three-way relationship
In his book, What Do You Want from Me (Ed. WWNorton), psychologist Terri Apter gives a key to avoid problems. We must have a strategy, because to ignore the comments does not work.
For the mother
l Do not judge immediately to the queen. It takes time to know a person. L
not expect to be the only one who makes the rules in the family. She will also have theirs. L
not show favoritism. There is nothing wrong with wanting more child to the daughter, but to minimize the achievements of this generated conflicts. L
accept that the daughter may have different ideas on how to educate children.
l Try to be affectionate: Many wives complain about the lack of affection.
l Daughter For Trying to express what is valued in-law brings to the family. L
Demonstrate interest in her: it is a welcome message, not to feel threatened. Moreover
l Easy to set limits where established prior connections, but if you must dial the area, it positively (such as: "This Sunday is not going well you come from, but why not the next?"). L
facilitate access to the grandchildren, pound as much anxiety to the laws.
l The key (for the daughter to the mother) is to turn the competition into collaboration.
for the son / partner
l Avoid no strategy involved: you can have multiple loyalties without involving divided loyalties. L Praise
women and caring shown to her parents' presence.
l Do not take criticism of the female form firm and polite. The couple is less likely to quarrel with the mother if she knows that he supports.
l At the same time reassure the mother, proving that having a partner does not imply breaking with his family. L
facilitate access to the grandchildren, so parents will not see the daughter as the one who decides.
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